Off late I haven't really had the desire to blog at all. Maybe life is too busy with week invested in work and weekend booked for friends and fun, or maybe this is just a medium to freely express your thoughts. I feel blogging is a medium to express thoughts in way where you don't care if you have audience to listen to or not, you don't need anyone to share to as you are sharing it in your own nice way. I think its more productive than trying to connect to someone. Hardly anyone has time to talk to you, share and listen to problems. No sour berries, I do have some friends who do that with me for which I am grateful. I was just talking to one of them about a hectic day at work and how thankful I was to have such a day, when he asked me a pretty interesting question. He just asked me "What do you want??" Okay, this sounds like a simple question at first sight, trust me it's not. There are multiple things you can want, there will never ever be a single answer. Seldom is. I think I would modify it as "What do you want the most right now?". For that I might have a definite answer.
It might be safe to say that a year ago, I would have a simple straightforward answer for this question. I used to be focused, set priorities in life and actually adhere to them. Never budging from them and for the occasional squandering used to be hard on myself so that I don't squander from my priority to graduate, get a good job and make parents proud. Life used to be simple back then. and hell it was fun as I had just eyes on one thing.
Fast forward to today, I would say that the person I used to be is lost somewhere. Maybe he is on a hiatus and never came back. Today, I am invested in multiple things. People, Things that never mattered suddenly matter to me a lot and my priorities changed as my whole thought process switched to an entirely different channel. Of-course, as expected that hasn't really turned out well and there is a whole lot of mess in the aftermath. Graduated, Moving to a new place, staying away from friends and alone has brought some things to realization and has magnified some parts of what I am in ways I don't like. I think most people reading this, or the only people reading this, would have an idea about what shit I have been involved since last year. Things have been downright messy, I've gone extremes, been miserable and on the other hand have had good times as well. But now I feel that the extreme mood swings and miserable times need to go away in order to enjoy my life. The relationships matter to me a lot, but I can't keep trying to mend it in order to not lose someone and keep punishing myself. There always comes a point when seeing yourself you just feel ashamed/sorry for what you have turned into in trying to maintain damaged relationships and formalities when clearly things are on a different strata all together.
So, to answer the question mentioned, I think all I would want right now is to find my old self back. Cliche answer. All I know at this point in time is that I have to burn the bridges that lead to the city of pain and suffering. There is no point in trying to maintain something that's just not going to pan out any good in the future. Rather than torturing yourself, burn the bridges even though however immense the hurt is going to be. This is your life and you have to do things to please yourself rather than punish yourself. All my energy needs to go into my work and excelling at it, enjoying times with friends I have rather than being sad about what failed again, what could have been and damaged relationships. It will hurt, but I feel now I owe it to myself to change things rather than working out what is just not going to be repaired.
Here's to the hope of getting myself back on track, I have not wandered far off the tracks mind you. Just taking the longer route it seems, though the experiences have been extremely enlightening and life altering. but now I just want to get back to the old familiar tracks..
It might be safe to say that a year ago, I would have a simple straightforward answer for this question. I used to be focused, set priorities in life and actually adhere to them. Never budging from them and for the occasional squandering used to be hard on myself so that I don't squander from my priority to graduate, get a good job and make parents proud. Life used to be simple back then. and hell it was fun as I had just eyes on one thing.
Fast forward to today, I would say that the person I used to be is lost somewhere. Maybe he is on a hiatus and never came back. Today, I am invested in multiple things. People, Things that never mattered suddenly matter to me a lot and my priorities changed as my whole thought process switched to an entirely different channel. Of-course, as expected that hasn't really turned out well and there is a whole lot of mess in the aftermath. Graduated, Moving to a new place, staying away from friends and alone has brought some things to realization and has magnified some parts of what I am in ways I don't like. I think most people reading this, or the only people reading this, would have an idea about what shit I have been involved since last year. Things have been downright messy, I've gone extremes, been miserable and on the other hand have had good times as well. But now I feel that the extreme mood swings and miserable times need to go away in order to enjoy my life. The relationships matter to me a lot, but I can't keep trying to mend it in order to not lose someone and keep punishing myself. There always comes a point when seeing yourself you just feel ashamed/sorry for what you have turned into in trying to maintain damaged relationships and formalities when clearly things are on a different strata all together.
So, to answer the question mentioned, I think all I would want right now is to find my old self back. Cliche answer. All I know at this point in time is that I have to burn the bridges that lead to the city of pain and suffering. There is no point in trying to maintain something that's just not going to pan out any good in the future. Rather than torturing yourself, burn the bridges even though however immense the hurt is going to be. This is your life and you have to do things to please yourself rather than punish yourself. All my energy needs to go into my work and excelling at it, enjoying times with friends I have rather than being sad about what failed again, what could have been and damaged relationships. It will hurt, but I feel now I owe it to myself to change things rather than working out what is just not going to be repaired.
Here's to the hope of getting myself back on track, I have not wandered far off the tracks mind you. Just taking the longer route it seems, though the experiences have been extremely enlightening and life altering. but now I just want to get back to the old familiar tracks..
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