L.O.S.T

"Feeling Lost" would be the perfect way to put forward how I feel at this moment. I would seldom say it, but in some matters I am an extremely emotional person. I like to be detached, I would want to be detached, but it is very hard for me to do so in certain matters. I am too attached you can say. Good or bad depends on perception, even I'm not certain. I feel answer to that is situational. The last few days have been quite challenging and make me think on certain aspects of life and make me analyze, foresee and reflect on things that I have done and things that are in the pipeline. There are straightforward categories to the fronts I thought on while sitting alone in that hotel room in Pike Creek, DE and I feel like putting them to words. Though the latter part of this blog will be based on what happened just a few hours ago.

Being up there in DE made me retrospect on some of the things that have been happening off-late. Being alone and on your own brings out the retrospective session always. I was just overwhelmed by the training I had been sent to. I think I was the guy in the room who knew absolutely nothing, no background at all in a training majorly consisting of the company's employees itself and some brilliant computer professionals. I was neither of them, just a plain RF Engineer who didn't know why he was there. I tried to grasp as much as I could but after a point it just went KABOOM! I literally lost interest and was doing TP for most of the time. It hasn't happened before that I have ever given up. I never throw in the towel and say "Screw this. Aint' gonna happen". That's not me, but it happened. Every passing day I found myself waiting for Friday, when I could leave from there. This is a thing unacceptable to me despite the fact that it was not in my interested area.

Also, Wednesday was a very vulnerable day for me. After a gruelling session of Training with no sort of interest in it, me and my colleagues went to a bar to have some drinks and check out the chicks in Delaware. Yes, Boys always do that! I did converse with some girls there and soon found myself to be playing some nonsense "altered" version of Truth and Dare with them (atleast it seemed so, I don't even remember what the rules of the game were apart from DRINK DRINK DRINK!) Suddenly topic shifted to like say two sentences about the person you love or drink. I drank and drank and drank after that. I was lost in my own thoughts and I totally lost control. I got so drunk that I don't even remember what I did after I got back, who I called and what I said. Some of things are becoming clear now. I made 2 people happy. One of the people wasn't so happy to see me that way and hear what I say. Well I don't remember even a single instance from what transpired. Now, here I am!! Bridges to bend mend with no idea about what I did. Not a good place to be in and definitely not the place I want to be in. I need to sort this mess out since I know what got me drinking in the first place. I cannot help and feel bad about what happened over my failed attempt to find love and it pinches every single moment. Pretty sure that now I need to do something, anything!! I need to get a control on my emotions than they controlling me. Luckily, Dexter helps in such a situation. I need to be indifferent to what I feel, else its just gonna get worse and finish eventually. This is a deeply troubling and a rapidly worsening situation. I contemplate holding on or letting go in this, yet again. Time will tell.

The part that got me to write today was the feeling of being alone. Its never a nice feeling to be alone. You can have all the luxuries in the world, but the most precious and look-forward to company is the company of your loved ones. Irrespective of how you are and where you are, such company is always treasured and enjoyed. Two of my best friends gone ( one impending) and a big bunch of close friends gone, I find myself facing the predicament of being alone here on the East Coast. To be frank, all the people I consider close to me, most of them, are on the West Coast and I am across the country and away from them. The best friend I have at UMD is the next to leave. Make no mistake, I am happy to see him go to a better place in a better job. I've know how frustrated he was with his job and his aspirations, I am happy to see him go. But at the same time, the problem with me is that I am so used to having people around me that not having them around  makes me feel alone. This friend of mine is one of the first friends I made here at UMD and has been with me ever since. I am just so used to him that amidst all others leaving, I never paid attention to his impending departure. He has comforted me at every fucking airport drop, even when I almost cried once. He was there by my side. I don't sure who is going to console me when I go to see him off. Its a very strange feeling. You never know how good you have until you lose it/its gone. I need people to be around me, I feel the need to keep my close friends with me. Its just a habit or a necessity or just my feelings about my friendships, thats how I feel. Presence is very important. You would say you will make new friends, new place and blah blah blah.. but nothing like that is going to help me feel better. I really have this problem of not being able to LET GO. That also explains the reason why I am still here in College Park. I just can't seem to let go and move out. Though I have to do it now in 1-2 days but here I am. Back in the same old place again, while my home is supposed to be somewhere else. This place has so many memories associated. Its tough not to reminsce on them and it sometimes gets haunting. 

This is a song I can associate to the friends who have left and the memories that remain. Its a song close to my heart..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJzBcKM3ZIE

To conclude, I just hope I don't feel totally alone once all is done, I would like to believe that I am a survivor!! The days of happiness are always numbered, so enjoy them while it lasts I believe. I guess I need to solve certain things, say a few goodbyes and find myself again. I've been Lost for too long.