A part of me has been troubled ever since I came back from my Internship. Something which people categorize as "feelings/emotions of love" for someone has been constant ever since. And things have only gone worse from that fateful month of July. I begin to wonder, what I could have done to not end up here today. My relationship with her is far from "a relationship", we are barely struggling to be friends now. From "best friends" to "friends?" is what it has come to now. Not something I want or appreciate, but that's where it seems to be heading.
The situation has been always very complicated. I avoided telling her the whole of last semester to avoid worsening our friendship and for her happiness as she was with someone else. I tried to fight these emotions off but they have only got stronger over the time while I was in India. We fought, argued and made up for the whole of the last semester. She din't know, I couldn't tell her. Messy situation was imminent. Somehow I managed to end the semester before India trip on a good note for her as I wanted her to forget what had ensued over the last semester.
I told her about my feelings on the flight back to School. It was a decision I made when in India. To say the least, I got a very weird reaction. She was stunned and in disbelief on what I told her. She had a hard time getting around the fact that I wasn't joking and was serious about what I was telling her. She was totally in her own thoughts and did not talk or tell me much either. I had gone in with a mindset of getting a no as I somehow knew that. Her being with someone else, plus never taking me seriously made me sure of that even more. But I went in, risking the good relation I had going already, because I couldn't keep it inside me anymore. Hence I had to say it and I contemplate now that was it a wise move or not?? Was it worth it to take the risk and tell her??
I am thankful and indebted to her to have taken this up after my interview. She was considerate enough to let me have that and not bring this topic up, despite my jibes about her having taken my confession as a joke. I am truly thankful.
What has followed ever since has been what hurts the most. When I returned from my interview, we talked about it and she made it pretty clear to me that there was going to be no chance of what I wanted to happen. She saw me as a best friend and she was with someone else. Things went as planned. I expected a No, I got a No. Quite by the script till now. What has followed ever since has been something I did not expect. She is scared to lose me from her circle for friends. And at the more problematic end, mine, I dont even know how and what to talk to her. I expected this to happen, then why does it hurt everytime I think about it? I like to believe that I am not affected by this and be strong and focused. But the truth remains, this thing is literally all over my brain and I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I assured her that things would be okay and insisted on her focusing on her career and job search rather than what I had brought up in her life. I did that knowing that on my side probably a hurricane was causing havoc with no signs of landfall. We are at formal Hi's and Hello now. I never saw it that way with her. I don't even want to talk to her due to the fear of messing it up or putting her in a bad state, and yes ofcourse, for my own sanity. Talking, it seems, doesn't do any good in such situations. I think I need to accept the truth and move on before this goes down the path of old and I lose it all. I am definitely hurt a lot but I need to show some real steel to hold the fort and not let things ruin around me. I want to make a conscious effort but seeing her makes me think of my failed attempt at love and it's not a good feeling trust me.
She always says that I do not see her side of things. But in current predicament, I see more from her side than mine. I believe she deserves the best and I am willing to be a jerk and not talk to her, if she does what's necessary for her. She doesn't need me or my issues in her life at this crucial time. But the point here is that if this was something I had expected, why does this hurt so much and is causing so many problems when I knew this is what was going to happen in the first place. I guess you can't really predict how these things work. Better to expect the unexpected and be prepared!
I don't know where this will head. I know where I want this to head. But I am not sure on what will happen. Losing her would be a bad bad thing to happen, but I am not in control of myself either on this side. I need to find some common ground where I can be friends like old with her and also keep my emotions under control. I don't think I will be able to kill these emotions, its all about suppressing.
Whatever happens, Remains To Be Seen!
The situation has been always very complicated. I avoided telling her the whole of last semester to avoid worsening our friendship and for her happiness as she was with someone else. I tried to fight these emotions off but they have only got stronger over the time while I was in India. We fought, argued and made up for the whole of the last semester. She din't know, I couldn't tell her. Messy situation was imminent. Somehow I managed to end the semester before India trip on a good note for her as I wanted her to forget what had ensued over the last semester.
I told her about my feelings on the flight back to School. It was a decision I made when in India. To say the least, I got a very weird reaction. She was stunned and in disbelief on what I told her. She had a hard time getting around the fact that I wasn't joking and was serious about what I was telling her. She was totally in her own thoughts and did not talk or tell me much either. I had gone in with a mindset of getting a no as I somehow knew that. Her being with someone else, plus never taking me seriously made me sure of that even more. But I went in, risking the good relation I had going already, because I couldn't keep it inside me anymore. Hence I had to say it and I contemplate now that was it a wise move or not?? Was it worth it to take the risk and tell her??
I am thankful and indebted to her to have taken this up after my interview. She was considerate enough to let me have that and not bring this topic up, despite my jibes about her having taken my confession as a joke. I am truly thankful.
What has followed ever since has been what hurts the most. When I returned from my interview, we talked about it and she made it pretty clear to me that there was going to be no chance of what I wanted to happen. She saw me as a best friend and she was with someone else. Things went as planned. I expected a No, I got a No. Quite by the script till now. What has followed ever since has been something I did not expect. She is scared to lose me from her circle for friends. And at the more problematic end, mine, I dont even know how and what to talk to her. I expected this to happen, then why does it hurt everytime I think about it? I like to believe that I am not affected by this and be strong and focused. But the truth remains, this thing is literally all over my brain and I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I assured her that things would be okay and insisted on her focusing on her career and job search rather than what I had brought up in her life. I did that knowing that on my side probably a hurricane was causing havoc with no signs of landfall. We are at formal Hi's and Hello now. I never saw it that way with her. I don't even want to talk to her due to the fear of messing it up or putting her in a bad state, and yes ofcourse, for my own sanity. Talking, it seems, doesn't do any good in such situations. I think I need to accept the truth and move on before this goes down the path of old and I lose it all. I am definitely hurt a lot but I need to show some real steel to hold the fort and not let things ruin around me. I want to make a conscious effort but seeing her makes me think of my failed attempt at love and it's not a good feeling trust me.
She always says that I do not see her side of things. But in current predicament, I see more from her side than mine. I believe she deserves the best and I am willing to be a jerk and not talk to her, if she does what's necessary for her. She doesn't need me or my issues in her life at this crucial time. But the point here is that if this was something I had expected, why does this hurt so much and is causing so many problems when I knew this is what was going to happen in the first place. I guess you can't really predict how these things work. Better to expect the unexpected and be prepared!
I don't know where this will head. I know where I want this to head. But I am not sure on what will happen. Losing her would be a bad bad thing to happen, but I am not in control of myself either on this side. I need to find some common ground where I can be friends like old with her and also keep my emotions under control. I don't think I will be able to kill these emotions, its all about suppressing.
Whatever happens, Remains To Be Seen!
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