This is one of those times when everything seems to be going wrong. For no apparent reason, tragedy strikes. One after the other in a never-ending vicious cycle. Life has turned a total upside down in just a matter of couple of days. So many things have happened off-late than I am forced to think and contemplate. What next??
I've had an easy time with job here in the US. For a student coming to the US, job is worth more than anything. That's the only thing that helps you pay your bills so that you don't have to go through the self-draining ordeal of asking for help from home. I've been lucky enough and people have been kind to be lucky in that respect till now. Though I am "on-call", I don't have any pay and that too for no fault of mine. It's just bad luck and bad timing that I am faced with this precarious situation. I had so many plans and commitments to keep on this, and now it has all seemingly gone down the drain. I wanted nothing more than to be able to take things back for my family and friends back home. They've been a support system and they deserve some appreciation. I am not too materialistic, but atleast some of the people need to be rewarded. All of a sudden, my life which was full of roses now feels like a bed of thorns on which I am being thrown over and over and over again.
I have always been too focused on the work I'm aspiring to get done. I've always been purposeful in my ways and yet all of a sudden I find myself off-focus, demotivated and relaxed. I screwed up an exam, and I din't seem to care about it. Though it's a subject I don't care about, I need to get my focus back onto the things that matter. Since I came back from internship, I feel tired, exhausted, demotivated to study. Maybe it's the choice of subjects or maybe it is something with me.. I don't know, I need answers to these questions which I am clueless about. I need to get my motivation back to one thing I am here for.
I can admit that I was getting a bit carried away and leisurely with my ways. Spending little money uselessly. Thinking of buying 100-150$ headphones when I have three working sets of headphones. I was beginning to get casual with life and started taking things for granted. I lost focus on what I am here for and started slacking on working hard on my academics. I also used to complain about my job being boring and too hectic with all the travel, now that I've lost it I know how important it was to me. They say that you never know the true value of a thing until you lose it. That is what the case here seems. I choose to look at the positive side of losing all this that this might be a way of the almighty to kick me in the nuts and give me a harsh reminder of what is to be done. But even that way, I do feel a lot tensed and anxious about what I am going to do and how things are going to go these 2 months.
In such times, I believe everything is heightened. Your anger, emotions, responses all are escalated. Even then I've observed a lot and it would be safe to say that when the chips are up, everyone is up for play and when they are down, all bets are off. all favors and friendships forgotten. You stand alone, brave it all alone and rise back to the feet, alone! I talked to a friend I confide in yesterday and he made a very valid point. Since I believe I don't find anyone here truthful enough, I have still managed to survive by faking it. That's how I've got by. And the point in the end he made is, that you don't need people to survive. A purpose, goal and desire is more than enough. That has definitely got me thinking.
I've been quiet, keeping to my ownself. People ask me to cheer up and hope for the best. I am not seeking any attention, nor do I even know if they actually care. Well some do, but most I am not sure about. It's in my nature to be cynical. All I know is that I need to resolve this situation as fast as I can and get the monkey off my back. I will be tensed, anxious and on-the-edge till that doesn't happen.
Tuesday the 23rd, sigh!!
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